Danny &Annie

Watched this video that a coworker turned me on to and it is a reminder what real love is about and what is possible. Never settle.

Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

One of the lines in the video/interview was:

"Knowledge knowing that you can hug somone without them throwing you down the stairs saying get your hands off me. Being married is like having a color television set--you never whant to go back to black and white. "

Eternal Sunshine

Watched an interesting movie a couple of nights ago. With a science fiction flair the film explores a relationship between two people who are dysfunctional at best. Within the film you get a sense that relationships can be tumultuous, yet loving and fulfilling in their own way. I suppose all relationships, at least the ones that matter, take work and acceptance of what is brought to the table. We are all so horribly and beautifully imperfect. This movie does a nice job of depicting this.

Here is what Wikipedia has to say:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "Emotionally withdrawn Joel Barish (Jim Carrey) and dysfunctional free spirit Clementine Kruczynski (Kate Winslet) strike up a relationship on a Long Island Rail Road train from Montauk. They are inexplicably drawn to each other, despite their radically different personalities."

Bad Boys

Recently, I had a discussion with a friend about how girls/women like bad boys rather than nice guys. I pondered this a bit and have come to some conclusions about this notion. I think it is true that if a man tries to woo a woman in the early stages of dating by going over the top (things like flowers, excessive compliments etc.) it can be a detraction. The woman will know that or at least feel like it is just a ploy to "win" her. This can feel manipulative and not very enticing. I know that the sentiment can be coming from a nice place, but it has the wrong effect.

It is also true that women like men with a sense of adventure. Men who are willing to speak their minds (while considering other opinions). And men, who are willing to take risks. These qualities can be placed in the bad boy category. It is not necessary for a man to be a bully, or unappreciative, callous or rude. However, a little mischievousness (while treating the woman like a queen) can really tickle the fancy. There are ways to be a bad boy without being a jerk.

A man with confidence is very appealing. This quality is not only reserved for men. I have experienced this myself. When I am confident and sure men seem to find me increasingly interesting.

I must admit that I do like shy guys too--especially when a guy knows he has something to offer but is a little hesitant in his approach. Nothing like knowing a guy is into you and you him--just needing a little nudge to bridge the gap. It can be fun to nudge.

Having said this, I really think that once you have established a relationship with someone, it is still important to cultivate your sense of adventure, express your confidence and take risks but it is also time to turn on the charm. Even though it is no longer necessary to woo your partner, any act of kindness will go a long way. It will be (with a sincere approach) a true gesture of your love. So many times, we get into a rut by worrying about attending to the things that "need" doing that we lose focus. Bring your focus on how to be your best self and express your true appreciation for those around you. I guarantee that you will benefit from this approach way more than staying in your rut.

So guys and gals, give that bouquet of flowers, write that little love note, whisper a tender notion your lover's way--take the risk and make it an adventure. Life is too short to not feel the goodness.

To Stay or Not to Stay

What do you think?
On the topic of dating relationships:

One friend said that she stayed with her boyfriend even though she knew he was not right for her. They argued and she did not feel the energy was right but she decided to stay anyway-- until something better.

A guy I dated awhile back admitted to the same thing. He stayed with a woman that he had no intention of building a future with. She was unaware of this and was hopeful that they would one day get married. He was a bit of a loner so he knew it would be awhile before he would meet someone else so he decided to stay-- enjoying the benefits of companionship. The attitude that, "Something is better than nothing" was prevalent there.

A college buddy of mine, when I complimented him on his girlfriend's cuteness said, "She's OK'" either downplaying his affection for her or truly expressing the opposite of attraction- neither being complimentary.

I suppose there are many reasons we stay when we shouldn't. Sometimes we stay for commitment sake (which may be a good thing), or we stay because we are weak- afraid to be alone, want to be held or need a friend. Other times, we stay because we are lazy or get distracted by every day life. Sometimes we stay because we are hoping for something -- even though the other party is clear that they are not really with you. And sometimes, it may be as simple as recognizing that change is a hard thing to cope with at times--so we stay to keep status quo.

I guess my take on things is that if there is no real hope for a future, lack of commitment and/or an unwillingness to work on things, there is no need to tarry there.

I would not want to have someone settle for me. I wonder what the counterparts in my examples above would do if they knew their mates were just biding time with them?

I am a romantic and have hopes that my mate would be there because he chooses to be. I sincerely believe that if you are in a relationship you should either be in it for the long haul and actively choose your partner or get out. I suppose it is different if both parties are aware that they are settling for the time and decide together that they will pass time with one another. But, it seems that it is more likely that one party would express a desire to look around while keeping the security blanket while the other secretly hoped the other would come to their senses. Limbo is no fun- at least in that scenerio.

The other reality is that by staying this type of pseudo relationship it often blocks energy toward building another relationship. And if it doesn't, you may have to carry the eventual baggage that you betrayed someone while carrying a torch for another. Believe me, that is some heavy baggage.

Relationships are messy. There are times when I have been in a relationship where I had doubts of a future. And, it takes time to figure things out-still different though that I was willing to find out if the relationship was worth striving for. But, I would have to say that if you are not willing to fight for the relationship or invest in a solution to the problems blocking possibility, it probably means it is time to let go.

People who know me, know that I believe in working on relationships and giving things a real try. The main thing is being honest with yourself and the other person about where you stand, so they can make a decision for themselves. If you choose to stay on knowing that the person is not able to be faithful, it is probably on you.

Life is too short to settle, too short to live in agony, too short to feel less than or to compromise values.

Things don't always happen in the time frame we hope for and wisdom is not always present as we face these situations. But, I believe that when you have a knowing in your heart then a responsibility comes with that knowing. It takes bravery and resolve to take the right steps, but ultimately, I think you will be better for it.

On another note, here is one of the most disturbingly funny videos I have seen that pertains (albeit peripherally) to the subject at hand.

Letting Go:

Spirit Music

My Friend Susan

Well, we were invited to a beautiful church service at Holy Rosary and St. John on Ohio Avenue by my friend and colleague, Susan . Mass was at 10:00 am. The church was filled with the most melodic music I have heard in a long while. The liturgical music was designed for singing which may seem strange to say but as some services the music is hard to follow. The kids were grooving right along with the congregation.

The congregation was eclectic and welcoming. Susan introduced us around and invited us to the Black History celebration meal directly after the Mass. It was clear that all were welcome there. The church has a strong ministry to the homeless- they have a food pantry and a soup kitchen that is staffed daily. Good stuff!

The scripture message was about the man who was lowered into a room to get Jesus' attention in order to be healed. The priest smiled and said, "Wouldn't it be nice to have friends like that?" I reflected upon this and realized I do have friends like that. Susan is one of them. She called me to check up on me because she had not heard word from me for awhile and wondered if she would need to break down the door to come and get me out. Now, Susan is maybe 4ft tall if that, but I don't doubt that she would rescue me if I needed it :-). That is friendship! Turns out while my family and I were gallivanting in D.C., my cell phone was ringing off the hook. Unfortunately, my cell phone was tucked in a box at my old place of employment, so I was not reachable. I have a new cell phone now, so at least that dilemma has been remedied-- and I was able to check my old messages (bonus!).

Other friends continue to send me job leads, call me for outings and pray for the "very best job ever" to come my way. I am so fortunate. Not sure what I would do without these true friends.

The priest also asked whether each of us are one of these friends to others and I silently pray that I am.

Anyway, back to church, it is customary at this church that when someone has a birthday they go up to the front and get to hear the whole church sing a very jazzy birthday song. Kye raised his hand when they asked and was the only one up front. He smiled widely the whole time. They gave him an envelope with $2 in it to celebrate. He was tickled.

Then the woman up front doing announcements indicated that it was her birthday weekend when she joined the church. All in all, it was a very pleasant experience.

Here is just a taste of the fine music shared at the Mass- sing along! "Lord heal my soul, for I have sinned against you....."

Kye in Charge

So, back to my comment about what our kids may say about us when they are in therapy. This thought initially came up for me when I was having a discussion with Kye about his birthday party. You see, he wanted to have all the fun first and THEN eat. The only problem with that was our shindig was going to start at noon- the time, traditionally indicated for lunch.

I suggested that we have the fashion show first (as Kye indicated) and then eat, so hungry guests could get their grub on. He did not like that idea and said clearly, "Mom you said I could be in charge and you are not letting me!" I shared that he actually was in charge of many things and reminded him of his input and my responsiveness to his thoughts, but he was stuck on this one point; his heart was set on having this thing, his way.

As a parent, I had an internal dialog going on, as I often do, when facing conflicting values. Do I go with Kye's flow and potentially starve our guests? Do I override his suggestion, leaving him desperately disappointed? I thought about banking on the fact that he probably won't remember this conversation when his friends arrive anyway (you know a sneaky maneuver).

What I ended up doing was appeal to Kye's rational self and asked him to trust me. I reassured him that everything was going to be alright and that we would have fun, and I would try my best to incorporate his ideas. He was happy to agree and seemed to "know" that I would honor him.

Once I figured out that it was anxiety driving his insistence, I was able to provide him support in a way that calmed him down. And luckily, there was enough trust in the system that he could hand it over to me.

This little scenario was good for me. It helped me to see some things about myself and my relationship with Kye. I could have been offended that he did not trust me initially. I could have forced the issue, gotten overwhelmed, felt guilty or complicated things for myself; fortunately I did not do any of these things.

The thing I come to realize is that parenting is hard. How do we know how to react in just the right way at the right time? When is it time to make a big deal of something, or let something pass? And, to make it worse, or better, each child may require a different approach and response.

I suppose we do our best, keep an open mind, listen and respond with love.

Farewell Friends and Co-Workers!

You can click to enlarge.

Thrifty Giving

My daughter Alea came up to me after RSVPing for a birthday celebration next week. The party is for her very best friend and she wanted to make plans about the gifting process. Anyone who knows Alea knows that she is a planner, takes most things into consideration and while she is at it, will help you to organize your life as well. This could be an annoying feature to her personality but somehow, she nails it in such a way that makes you want to follow her lead; it is, no matter how you look at it, the sensible thing to do. This time was no exception, however, she did pose me with a question that made me pause with furrowed brow.

She wanted to shop for said friend at the thrift store. Now a few facts would be helpful here as you ponder with me:

1. Alea loves to thrift shop. Most times she gets her own cart, peruses the isles with reckless abandon and finds herself some sweet (as she says) pieces. Joy emanates from her. And, getting a bargain makes it even sweeter. She totally gets that she can purchase way more, for way less. She is quite the shopper. She never fails to spot a "so me" item on the rack and insists that I give these things a try and truth be told she is never far off. Sometimes the sizes don't work or she picks something that doesn't suit my color scheme, but all in all, she is an asset in the shopping department.

2. OK, back to the birthday situation. Alea attends school and has many friends from New Albany (a suburb of Columbus). It is fair to say that my kids witness true wealth when they go to visit their friends from school. On the whole, they have not come home whining about what other kid's have and what we are lacking (Lord knows I am grateful for that). I also realize that wealth is a relative concept here. It is not my desire to stereotype here. I am only recognizing that there is most definitely a difference in economic class.

3. Alea would like nothing better than to share her joy of thrift shopping with her friend. She argued sensibly that her friend likes the very jeans she was donning and THEY were from the thrift store. I can follow her logic her after all, I purchase most of my clothes from the thrift store.

4. When Alea told her friend where she purchased these fine jeans she did not know what a thrift store was-- the concept was totally out of the realm of her experience.

So, I explained to Alea, under most circumstances, you don't give someone a birthday gift that is considered used, unless it is a special item from your own collection that you want to share, like a family heirloom......

In general, for a birthday celebration, you make a purchase from a traditional store or make something that is a gift from your heart.

I must admit, I have conflicting values here and a limited ability to explain this dilemma within. I would not have thought it would be hard for me to express the why behind here-- but in truth, I believe any gift given from the heart is of value-- no matter where it is purchased.

One year my sister DeeDee asked for clothing for her birthday since she was giving up her deaf interpreting gig (you mostly wear black or other plain dark colors). I asked her if she minded me shopping at the thrift store for her because I could do some real damage that way. She said she did not mind. It was so fun! I felt free to buy a few items that may be considered absolute finds or may be considered clunkers. I did not feel like I bought the farm. I know for a fact that I picked out some jeans that she wore until they became thread bare-- jeans that she probably would not have picked out for herself.

I suppose I am worried that a gift from the thrift store may appear cheap or may be unappreciated in the circles of New Albany or worse, us becoming labelled as the poor family, when really, the whole idea came from the joy of the hunt.

I did offer Alea the option to invite her friend on a shopping spree at the thrift store to share in the experience. Of course, I am about to work my last day, heading into the land of layoff, so calling it a spree may be a bit misleading. The girls may have to make selections, keep within a budget and make hard decisions about what to purchase and what to leave behind. But, even that is a wonderful lesson in life (may even make those items purchased feel more special).

Anyway, I am curious to how others may see this opportunity.

Shackadillic

"I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside." --forward of The Shack written by William P. Young.

And so, this is the way the book begins. The story is told by a man, who knew a man, who had an extraordinary experience with God. Pages speed by as you vicariously join Mack on his journey, dealing with The Great Sadness, moving through to the other side.

The quote above speaks of grace. Grace meaning being loved,...... even though..... We all need forgiveness and understanding. We all need to be loved. What if we really knew deep down, even though we are majorly flawed, that we are truly loved? That is a beautiful thing.

I have had the experience of this kind of love-- you know the love where you are accepted the way you are, despite any idiocy you may be showing at the time. The love where you don't have to worry about the person leaving you or judging you or demanding you satisfy conditions in order to receive their affection. Someone loving you just because you are you.

Well, this book talks about that, in story form: weaving a delightful, hopeful tale. Dig in.

Alea and the Squishy Pillow

I have this two pillow system for total sleeping pleasure. The bottom pillow is firm, skinny and gives form to this ultimate system, while the top pillow is filled with down, soft and very malleable. The top pillow is also skinny so the whole set up is not one that gives a crick in the neck.

My daughter Alea also sees the value of this system and covets this opportunity. At any given moment she will try to sneak the goods. This does put a cramp in my style and provides dilemmas. Do I put my foot down and demand for it to be returned to the rightful owner or decide to share and live without? My responses have been mixed thus far, depending on my charitable mood-- or my desperate need for a good nights sleep.

So, a different dilemma had surfaced as Alea's birthday approaches. Do I attempt to purchase a squishy pillow for her, or is "the pillow" THE pillow, given it's significant value within our world? She tends to like items from me -- like wearing my clothes as bed clothes and such. I have 7 days to figure out this world class issue- what will I do?

Don't Wear Fear

I was watching Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium again and it is just chock full of good stuff despite what the critics say. At a certain point a boy is trying to make friends with someone even though he does not have much practice. It is at this point in the movie that Cat Stevens song, "Don't Be Shy" is played, and it was a this point that a warm, wonderful feeling came over me.

First of all, Cat Stevens or Yusuf Islam is my all time favorite vocalist. His voice is smooth and steady. He uses his voice creatively and has interesting transitions. But, mostly, I like Cat because of his words. It is clear that this man has something to say.

Below I share with you a video of him performing "Don't Be Shy". What is amazing is that he sounds just like he did when I first started listening, which was quite awhile ago ( I purchased a 10 pack of 45s at the local convenience store when I was in grade school to play on my suitcase record player). It looked something like this. I heard his song "Old School Yard" and it intrigued me enough to purchase a whole album. That was how my love of Cat began.

Anyway, "Don't Be Shy" has a particular meaning for me at this juncture in my life. I know, those of you who know me probably think the last thing I am is shy (I can be) but, the song is really about facing fear. How to deal with fear and how to express feelings. He reminds me that if I wear fear, no one will know that I am here. And I am so here.

Below the song, I have listed the lyrics- they are simple and beautiful. He has put things in the context of world peace now. I think the application is for every day use too.


Don't Be Shy-- Cat Stevens
Don't be shy just let your feelings roll on by
Don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there
Just lift your head, and let your feelings out instead
And don't be shy, just let your feeling roll on by
On by
You know love is better than a song
Love is where all of us belong
So don't be shy just let your feelings roll on by
Don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there
You're there
Don't be shy just let your feelings roll on by
Don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there
Just lift your head, and let your feelings out instead
And don't be shy, just let your feeling roll on by
On by, on by, etc.

Dan the Man

This is a picture of me back in college- some 20 years ago. In the picture is my friend Dan who recently died in a car accident. He was hit by a semi-truck, early in the morning as he was headed to a Boy Scout Reservation to volunteer his time. He has a wife and child he left behind. Dan and I belonged to a service fraternity, Alpha Phi Omega, and would argue politics (he was a staunch republican). To his credit he did not let this come between our friendship.

He is donning a t-shirt that advertises a special event we would have every year where we would create a huge banana split to raise money for charity. Loads of fun. He will be missed.

This is another reminder to me that time is precious and should not be wasted.

By the way, Lee and Dawn, I stole this picture from your house today- hope you don't mind- I will give it back :-)

Unsung Heros

Have you ever had a guardian angel?

Growing up we had many. Two of these I mention as I think about the 4 scared little girls that were abandoned by a drunken mother who was depressed and broken. While she laid on the couch in a stupor, or barked orders from a chair, these beautiful women pondered our fate and believed we were worth saving; merited loving.

~
My mother was many things- loving, stubborn, shy, beautiful, smart, strong, fearful, and a drunk. She was amazing and disappointing all at the same time. I think she found it hard to love herself and it sent a ripple effect on those who tried to love her. Fortunately, we had guidance and protection along the way. If we did not have that, who knows where we would be today.

~
My mom did finally give up the booze after we left the home. Her doctor helped her by diagnosing her depression and put her on Paxil. This medication really helped- she was no longer a hermit, she stopped drinking and seemed to feel better about herself. It was nice to be with her without the booze in the way. She really was (is?) a beautiful person. Those who knew her, knew this to be true. I digress.

~

One of these guardian angels is my step mother. Her name is Carole and this is her picture to the right. This Christmas, instead of gifts, we showered one another with affirmations and put them typed in a frame to present to each person. Carole was overwhelmed with emotion when she received her gift from us. It was then that I realized that she may not know what an impact or gift she has been to us.
~

This is complicated in some ways. My mom would cry to me each night after my dad left. I would try to console her, but there is only so much a 5 year old can do. She hated my father for leaving her, and probably hated Carole even more. I actively practiced this hate when I would visit Papa and Carole- feeling that I would be betraying my mom if I let my guard down or liked them even in the smallest degree.
~

But, Carole continued to love me/us. And eventually, I made my mind up to believe in her love and succumb to it. She would involve us in her daily goings on, shared her home, talked and listened with interest to our stories about school or home. She encouraged our culinary skills, gave me a place to stay when I got kicked out of Mama's house, and played numerous Boggle games (teaming up with me to try to beat my dad- I think we may have won one or two times against him). In short, she actively loved some hard to love kids. I mean - she did not have to love us and we gave her heck of a lot of flack. I am almost embarrassed to look back on how stubborn I was (a quality I get from both Mama and Papa- double whammy).
~

So, Carole, if you are reading this: know that you are special. Know that you have been a big part of saving 4 little girls. Know that you are appreciated.
~


Grace. I knew I had come across a guardian angel when I first experienced Grace. She had a presence that permeated love and acceptance. She was a quiet person, had a simple smile and communicated respect for your journey- wherever you were going. She seemed to have faith that things would turn out ok- somehow. But, she certainly had a way of moving things along.
~

Grace came to my mother when she felt truly alone. Here Mama was, a single parent, 4 children (ages 5, 3, 3 and 1), and no real income except for welfare. Grace often helped us financially when we experienced a pinch. She also made it possible for us to have a home. She actually bought a house for us to live in and just gave it to us! I can hardly fathom that.
~

For my first communion, I did not have a dress, shoes or a slip- she made them appear (she bought lacy socks to match too). When bills became too much in the winter, an envelop was passed to my mom very privately. (I was an observant child so sometimes I noticed things that were not meant to be seen). As I was applying for college, Grace made sure I had a co-signer so I could attend. Had it not been for her, I may have not had a place to live, had a first communion or attended college. This is a very real fact.
~
I'd like to believe that I have an undying spirit that would have carried me through somehow, without her support, but I deal with folks in poverty every day, and I see how the tyranny of the moment kills that spirit. She made it possible for me to dream of bigger things. I did not have to worry about money or bills. I was able to focus. (We were definitely poor, but we lived comfortably most days. We did eat ice cream for breakfast many mornings.- but other than that, we had a warm house, clothes to wear, and the basics covered).
~
Grace did many other things besides financial support. She would come over and check on us, joined in family gatherings, brought communion when my mom could not get to church, and dropped off the Sunday paper. She would share the homily that the priest would give at Sunday mass and would say a short but sweet prayer to send us on our way. And at the time of my mom's death, she made sure she got a proper burial (even though she left us before Mama did).
~
What amazed me the most about Grace is that she lived into her name so well. She accepted us the way we were. Even though my mom was in the state she was in, Grace loved her anyway. It was obvious that Grace was a reserved person- not too kid oriented, yet she loved us- always kept and eye out. Grace was a messenger from God, a gift. She carried the message of compassion and mercy.
~
Grace was a third order nun. She wore regular (albeit very plain) clothes with an interesting necklace that represented her order. She took a vow of poverty, yet had money. She just shared it with others as they needed it. She was allowed to live among people- not in a convent and lived each day prayerfully and lovingly serving others. She was quite amazing really.
~
As I have said in a previous post- I have guardian angels all around me- some in fleeting instances and others in the day to day, life existence. How blessed am I! Thank you Carole! Thank you, Grace! I won't be able to repay you- but maybe-- just maybe, I can pay it forward.

Feeling Safe in a Cruel-Crazy Beautiful World

Jesus found ways to help those around him feel safe while simultaneously confronting them, or teaching them, or asking them to take risks with him. They knew that he loved them. They knew that he would not leave them. And, they knew the grace and forgiveness he breathed. Ultimately, they trusted him and He believed in them.

It has been said that feeling safe is key to being able to be the best you possible. I think safety is important to be able to express one self. Unconditional love, acceptance and the knowing that the world will not come tumbling down if you mess up-these thoughts and actions create a place of safety. It is what I seek and strive for in the place I call home.

So, how do we cultivate a welcoming, loving, safe space at home (our inner sanctum)?

• The first thing I realize is that we need to listen to each other, so we each feel heard. Feeling heard is key to feeling safe.
• I suppose another thing is for us to recognize that no one is perfect.
• If we expect those around us to change for us, on some level we are not appreciating who they are.
• Yet there may be some need to alter our actions a bit to accommodate and respect one another.

I gather the recipe for a safe harbor is a delicate balance of these things and more.

There is a great song called, Cruel- Crazy Beautiful World (lyrics below):
Johnny Clegg (I think this was intended to be sung to a child)

You have to wash with the crocodile in the river
You have to swim with the sharks in the sea
You have to live with the crooked politician
Trust those things that you can never see
Ayeye ayeye jesse mfana (jesse boy) ayeye ayeye

Chorus:It's a cruel crazy beautiful world
Every time you wake up I hope it's under a blue sky
It's a cruel crazy beautiful world
One day when you wake up I will have to say goodbye
Goodbye -- It's your world so live in it!

Beyond the door, strange cruel beautiful years lie waiting for you
It kills me to know you won't escape loneliness,
Maybe you lose hope too
Ayeye ayeye jesse mfana ayeye ayeye

Chorus: When I feel your small body close to mine
I feel weak and strong at the same time
So few years to give you wings to fly
Show you the stars to guide your ship by

Chorus: It's your world so live in it!

If we truly live in this world we need to try

swimming with sharks in the sea.

Trusting things we cannot see.

Take risks each day.

Yet we long for a safe place.

A place to let our hair down, be who we are

And, be loved-even though.

~Even though and maybe even because of who we are.