Saturday, July 26, 2008


I watched a cool movie tonight. Juno is the name. It became increasingly apparent that the movie's focus was on pregnancy. And it hit me - on this, my 43rd birthday- that I probably will not experience pregnancy again.

Now, it must be said that I am a lucky mother of 3 beautiful children. And, those who know me well, know that I never planned parenthood (which is weird cause I love planning). All three children came by surprise without intention really. I was way OK with it though. I just never envisioned myself in that role. Yet, what a gift.

And just as I never anticipated the wonderfulness of motherdom, I suppose I never anticipated the loss I would feel as I realized that my body would have less chance to procreate.


Mars Girl said...

You know, I have thought for the last ten years (well, since my senior year in college, really, which is more than ten years), that I didnt want to have kids, that I didnt deserve to have kids because I'm so messed up. Now... as I live the 33rd year of my life and all my friends are having kids, something is coming alive in me that seems to be feeding some urge I didnt know I had. I guess it must be that old maternal instinct thing I heard about kicking in, belatedly (as often in my life, I develop later than everyone else).

I dont know. Something tells me that it's my chance to pave something into the future. Maybe that's selfish--some desire to put something of yourself out there to grow beyond yourself.

Anyway, the end result is, I'm starting to think that *maybe* I would want to have kids someday. Provided I found the suitable mate to have them with.

I realize, though, that the clock is ticking away. Maybe that's really what inspired the recent urge to procreate, the fact that at some point, it will no longer be a choice as to whether or not I have kids--it will be imposed upon me as result of nature.

Kind of sucks that guys can produce kids until the day they die...

Mars Girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Erin said...

So true,

I hope you find the right guy and have the opportunity to have kids if that is what you desire.

I have been surprised at how much I enjoy being with my rugrats. They are a part of me. They are infinitely interesting and each of them are so unique, yet have great similarities.

My sense is that you are a caring person and have a lot to share. You also seem particular about what you like/dislike and you might find that having kids changes things. What was once important, is not as important etc.

But, through it all, I express me. Interestingly, it seems that I lose more of my sense of self in other relationships.

And, now, the kids are getting old enough that I can resurrect my adventure side and share it with them.

I think canoeing will be our first jaunt.

Anyway, you have 10 more years than I to do something about this baby making business. Plenty of time if you make it a priority. I on the other hand, even though women over 40 have children, am in a different place.

Ah well, I wish you luck on your journey. Have fun while you are at it :-)

Mars Girl said...

I think I fear having kids because of all the responsibility. I think I'm just not that capable of being that responsible... and I fear all the things I have to teach them... and the fact that at some point I have to let go.

Erin said...

The beautiful thing is that you don't have to do this alone (most times). I find that I often worry about everything being up to me. And the fact is that these kind of things can be shared (and calls for sharing).

As for responsibility- there are some people who should not have kids. They may be reckless, uncapable of love or even unstable. If you are these then I think you are right.

But my sense is that you are just scared. And, I get that raising kids can be scary. What if I don't teach them everything they need to know, what if they get hurt, what if, what if......?

Most days I wonder if I am a good mom. It just comes with the territory. But, there are those moments when it becomes clear that I am in the right place at the right time.

If you have love to give and a perspective to share. You can let them develop and grow and be there when they need you.

Now as I said before, not everyone is cut out for parenting. And, I am not here to sell it to anyone. Kids bring struggles, attitudes, crying, whining, they consume stuff, come with costs etc. But, I have not thought about those things much.

What is funny is that when I was 20 or so, I was thinking about child birth and realized it was like purposely getting stung by a bee. Why would anyone do that? But once you are stung, you deal with it and go with the flow (unless you are allergic, of course). I honestly did not think I would be a mother.

So, there you have it. Know that I am sending good vibes your way for whatever you decide.

Mars Girl said...

The fun side is reexperiencing life through their eyes, the things you forgot you felt once or the way you thought. The stuff you've written about your son crack me up in that way. My godson used to floor me in the things he'd said because sometimes you just say stuff as explanation based on assumptions that only an adult would know because you forget that a child hasnt picked up these assumptions yet. So they misunderstand you and repeat something back and you realize, usually with a giggle, that they are seeing it completely different... I cant think of an example off hand right now, but I know when I was around my godson more, I used to have all kinds of revelations like this... That, and his constant need to know why things worked... and if you couldnt come up with a proper explanation, he made one up based on his logic (even more entertaining).

But, you know, I love to zoo. I could go there all the time and enjoy it every time. Take a kid, though, and it's another experience. For me, seeing a seal (my favorite animal at the zoo) is nearly the same thing every time; a young kid sees one and it's like they just discovered something new...

I dunno. It might be interesting. But I probably would only have a child if I found someone I wanted to be with... I'm not that strongly driven to motherhood that I feel compelled to use a sperm bank or adopt my own. Some single women my age have chosen this route because they don't want to wait around for a good enough mate. I dont think that's a wrong choice--it's just not the choice for me. If I'm going to have kids, I want it to be an experience with someone else... a co-parenting responsibility. Though, I guess, sometimes that ideal doesn't work out so great either, even when you think it will at the time you have the kids.

I guess you just roll with the punches... At this point in my life, I should know that the ideal situation rarely falls together as well as you ideally expected it to.