Kill the Idea

Fr. Bay, pastor at Sts. Augustine Gabriel, during a homily shared that he was imprisoned in Vietnam for attempting to escape the country.  He desired to escape in order to become a priest.  For some reason, he was not permitted to do this in his native country. 

He attempted escape many times and was imprisoned many times.  Over time, he began to lose heart for his goal. 

During this time he would pray, "God, please make a way for this, or kill the idea in me". 

This seems like a practical and poignant prayer.  I can relate.

Call to Ponder

There are seven sins in the world:

Wealth without work,
Pleasure without conscience,
Knowledge without character,
Commerce without morality,
Science without humanity,
Worship without sacrifice,
and, politics without principle.

Mahatma Gandhi

Cosmic Synergy around Global Concerns

Something strange is going on. I recently met authors (Jim Hodge and Linda Cooper) of a book entitled, Disturbing the Peace: The Story of Father Roy Bourgeois and the Movement to Close the School of Americas. They visited the Columbus Catholic Worker House where I volunteer some of my time. They are lovely people and their book is an interesting tale which compells you think about the world and your place in it. Below I have included information for participation in the study based on this book. All are welcome. This meeting was the first circumstance that started the ball rolling for me regarding global justice issues.

So, I meet these authors, help develop a book study and share information with other churches, organizations and friends. In the course of visiting the Quaker Friends House on campus to talk up the study, a gentleman invited us to attend a Woody Guthrie-like concert that following Saturday. The opportunity sounded fun to me with a chance to meet new people, enjoy a concert within the intimate setting and jam to some folky music. We continued our advertising tour and went to my old church Maynard Avenue United Methodist Church, and talked with Pastor Patti -she indicated that she got arrested for crossing the line at the School of the Americas and that she was very aware of Fr. Roy and would be happy to to share the book study with others.

That Saturday, I attended the concert only to find that the musician (Tom Neilson) was wearing this t-shirt:

Hmmm....

Sunday at mass, we had a visiting priest from Rwanda. He shared the need expressed there since the Genocide took place. Not even three weeks ago my friend Kristy suggested that I read a book by a woman named, Immaculee Illibagiza. She survived this very genocide by hiding with 6 other women in a bathroom. The seven women were huddled in that bathroom measuring three feet by four feet, for 91 days. They took turns standing and stretching. You can read about her book here.

What is God calling me to? I don't really believe in coincidence. Why, am I, one of the more ignorant of world affairs, being invited to focus on this now? He seems to be knocking rather loudly. Now to remain open and keep my questioning heart.

Here is the information about the book study; it starts tonight, but, you can join in anytime:

The study begins July 12 and will meet for 4 sessions--every other week at 7:00-8:30 pm at the Catholic Worker House located at 1614 Oakland Park Avenue. Participants are asked to purchase their own book online or at a local bookstore and to read the first 4 chapters before the first meeting. We also have some copies of the book on site, so contact us (614-446-8714) to make arrangements.
The following synopsis is a description from the authors who will be leading the study with us:

Examine the life of a once gung-ho Navy Lt. who, after working with war orphans in Vietnam, abandoned his military career to become a missionary among the poor in Latin America where he saw grave human rights abuses. After learning that the United States Army had trained the killers of Salvadoran Archbishop Oscar Romero and four US churchwomen, two of whom were his friends, he set out to close the US Army School of the Americas that has trained hundreds of assassins and dictators. The larger story details how the SOA peace movement grew, drawing thousands of people from every faith and walk of life, including students, veterans, religious leaders, film stars like Martin Sheen and Susan Sarandon, death penalty foe Helen Prejean, and legendary musician Pete Seeger as well as the Indigo Girls.

It’s a movement that has challenged religious and government leaders much in the tradition of Dorothy Day. The movement prompted the Pentagon to close the school, only to find it re-opened under a new name.

Coolest Mom

Here is Quinn and Alea with the band Days Difference. They were the opening band for the main act of Plain White T's -- a concert we went to last Friday. We won tickets on the radio for answering this question:

22% of men will do everything in their power to avoid this activity, what is it? Answer later on in the post.

We had a great time and the bands were fun and upbeat. The kids seemed to be genuinely excited to be there and felt even better knowing we won the tickets.

While at the concert, I wondered silently whether my kids would remember times like this and consider me a "cool mom". Since my memory is very poor, I am not certain what memories get stored in there. One can only hope that when they reflect, they will find appreciation and fondness of these times. Then again, they may need to spend time and money on therapy sessions just to decompress for all the unresolved issues I have put them through :-).

Anyway, about ten minutes after I pondered these things, a young guy came up to me and said, "I don't mean any offence, I am a teacher and I just wanted to come over here and tell you that you seem to be the coolest mom ever. You and your kids are clearly having a good time and it is great that you brought them here!"

This divine response has been happening a lot to me. I have a pondering and shortly there after, I get some specific message to answer my "question". What has been most surprising is that it is a direct response--not round about, not like I have to infer something-- crystal clear. In the example above it was the exact wording of "cool mom". Those were the words that I used to reflect upon and those were the words he used to describe me.

I think I am connected to my source. As I continue to put things into the universe, I continue to get great results. Now to give more of my anxiety up and entrust more in this process.

Oh, the answer to question: DANCE

Dr. Paul Farmer

From Jules Wandering Weblog:

"It’s the Dr. Paul Farmer story, Mountains Beyond Mountains. Basically, it’s the true, ongoing, yet-to-be-finished story of a man whose mission in life is cure the world. The phenomenal and wonderful thing about Dokte Paul is that he plans to do this one patient at a time, until all people are healed.

Here was a man who has accomplished miracles for the desperately ill and poor. He has changed whole systems through will power, faith, and trust in the goodness and need of those with whom he was working. He did this with creativity, dynamism, and admittedly the bending and breaking of many rules. He never said something was impossible, or stupid, or unrealistic, or that the resources were not enough. In fact, Paul often stated that the problem wasn’t lack of resources but their distribution. If we all really lived as though the only nation were humanity, the problems would not only have solutions, they would be moot. Rather than thinking outside the box, Dr. Farmer had decided that the box was no longer necessary at all in order to orient himself and his work. Operating from a position of confidence, optimism, and trust, rather than from their hateful twin – cynicism – , he had and continues to transform the world."

I think Jules wrote this so beautifully that I had to copy it here. It intrigues me how she and Tracy Kidder describe this man. Doesn't it make you want to meet him? I aspire to be as bold in belief and action. To approach the world with optimism, trust and confidence-- believing that things are possible and resources are plentiful -- ultimately living in faith.

What would it be like if we lived and believed the only nation were humanity? What would we do, or not do, or put energy toward?

We are all called to social justice, the question is whether we are listening. This is one example of a real man, addressing a real need and having an impact around the world:


Regarding social justice, I often find that I am distracted by everyday activities ~too busy with this and that. Immersed in my own troubles, that I forget how fortunate I am. I lose sight of the beauty around me. I take for granted the simple things. And, forget the ache and needs of my neighbors.

Tonight I say a prayer of thanks for my life of luxury. I ask for guidance in how I can be most useful to the world. I want to make a difference. When reflecting back I want to know that my existence has meant something to my community. I want to fully utilize my gifts. I want to give my gift of time, talent and treasure (now to find the talent and treasure-- where did I put them?) I will look under the couch-- most things are there.

First Communion and Baptism

Kids lined up for communion:

Kids watching the bread and wine being blessed:

Kye getting ready for his baptism:

Mom at home after the event getting food together:

Alea in her beautiousness:

Quinn --self portrait:

Kye getting baptized:

Proud/happy god mom's:

Friends who came to share the day:

Cheesy girl:

Quinn with pocket watch, given by Papa. The watch was his fathers and was willed to him. History passed down:


All in all, a beautiful, wonderful day. I was so proud of each of them.

Easter- a time of renewal

This season has been the best gift to me. It is hard to explain why but I will try-- since I try to share the Why Behind here.

• It has been a time of reflection. Taking stock of my life, discerning where I want to go, who I want on the journey with me and what life experiences to pursue.
• A time of connection. I have experienced dialog with God. I must admit that I don't always heed Him, but He is there and accessible in ways that I was too afraid to explore in the past. By the way He is kind, assuring and it is clear that He accepts me for who I am.
• A time of small sacrifice. I have given up sugar this Lent. I had a sneaky suspicion that I may have a budding addiction there and this exercise proved this to be true. I have lost 12 lbs and still desire/think about sugar about every 15 minutes. Each time I am drawn to it, I remember my commitment and remind myself of my connection to God.
• After 5 years of searching, I have found a church that I am really happy with. ~ The magnitude of this gift I cannot adequately express.

There have been many more gifts. I consider myself truly blessed.

Healing

So, I was a church today-- singing, praying, sharing the Catholic ways with the kids and all was fine until I get to the communion part. You know the part where we respond and say, "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed."

You see, when I speak the absolute truth, I begin to cry. It is a direct signal for me to pay attention to what I just said and try to understand the meaning. I cried after I said these words. I am crying now as I write them.

I know that God does not see me as unworthy. It is my admission that I don't feel worthy and I know that he will heal me- there is no question there. Now will open up to him and let him do his work in me?

I have been on this healing journey lately and He is most definitely with me. He has been with me the whole time and I have been aware of Him there.

In the past (and when I say past, I mean my whole life) I have been afraid to be silent enough to hear Him. I was worried that if I actually listened to Him, He may ask me to do something beyond my capabilities. I kept the noise level in my life just enough that I could avoid Him if I chose and most times I went that route.

What is weird is that I have been able to hear Him lately and it is not scary at all. At times the message comes in a way I did not expect but the message is one of acknowledgement and assurance. Who doesn't need assurance?

In many ways I walk in absolute faith. I really know that everything is going to be OK. Those who know me best can attest to this. But in other ways I don't always walk in trust-- it has been a missing piece for me. Taking the risk to not only receive God's grace but listen to his call. That is my next opportunity.

He is in the process of healing me.

Lenten Promises

This year Lent has a special meaning for me. It is my hope to experience renewal and resurrection from where I have been. Jackie Schmitz CSJ echoes my thoughts:

I long for Lent to be a season of growth, a time when one can sit quietly and reflectively, patiently waiting for silent change to take place. I long for Lent to be a journey to a place of stillness, trusting in that process, growth will take place, transformation will occur and God will tend the soil of my soul and nurture new life. With courage and grace, I will then enter into that great mystery of renewal, death and resurrection.

.

My main goal is to pay attention, be open and welcome the spirit of God within me and others.

I have chosen to give up sugar this Lenten season- no easy feat. If you know me, you know I have an extreme sweet tooth. I have been successful the first 2 of the 40 days--yahoo. I am practicing remembrance of my goals every time I swoop past the kitchen -eyeing the triple ginger cookies from Trader Joes. I have decided that cereal, granola bars and the like are just hidden forms of sugar. The hardest thing for me so far is to pass up sugar in my tea.

.

I used to be really focused on doing something for Lent instead of giving something up, but I think the combo of a little sacrifice and the reminder to be open and pay attention is a life giving thing.

Spirit Music

My Friend Susan

Well, we were invited to a beautiful church service at Holy Rosary and St. John on Ohio Avenue by my friend and colleague, Susan . Mass was at 10:00 am. The church was filled with the most melodic music I have heard in a long while. The liturgical music was designed for singing which may seem strange to say but as some services the music is hard to follow. The kids were grooving right along with the congregation.

The congregation was eclectic and welcoming. Susan introduced us around and invited us to the Black History celebration meal directly after the Mass. It was clear that all were welcome there. The church has a strong ministry to the homeless- they have a food pantry and a soup kitchen that is staffed daily. Good stuff!

The scripture message was about the man who was lowered into a room to get Jesus' attention in order to be healed. The priest smiled and said, "Wouldn't it be nice to have friends like that?" I reflected upon this and realized I do have friends like that. Susan is one of them. She called me to check up on me because she had not heard word from me for awhile and wondered if she would need to break down the door to come and get me out. Now, Susan is maybe 4ft tall if that, but I don't doubt that she would rescue me if I needed it :-). That is friendship! Turns out while my family and I were gallivanting in D.C., my cell phone was ringing off the hook. Unfortunately, my cell phone was tucked in a box at my old place of employment, so I was not reachable. I have a new cell phone now, so at least that dilemma has been remedied-- and I was able to check my old messages (bonus!).

Other friends continue to send me job leads, call me for outings and pray for the "very best job ever" to come my way. I am so fortunate. Not sure what I would do without these true friends.

The priest also asked whether each of us are one of these friends to others and I silently pray that I am.

Anyway, back to church, it is customary at this church that when someone has a birthday they go up to the front and get to hear the whole church sing a very jazzy birthday song. Kye raised his hand when they asked and was the only one up front. He smiled widely the whole time. They gave him an envelope with $2 in it to celebrate. He was tickled.

Then the woman up front doing announcements indicated that it was her birthday weekend when she joined the church. All in all, it was a very pleasant experience.

Here is just a taste of the fine music shared at the Mass- sing along! "Lord heal my soul, for I have sinned against you....."

Shackadillic

"I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside." --forward of The Shack written by William P. Young.

And so, this is the way the book begins. The story is told by a man, who knew a man, who had an extraordinary experience with God. Pages speed by as you vicariously join Mack on his journey, dealing with The Great Sadness, moving through to the other side.

The quote above speaks of grace. Grace meaning being loved,...... even though..... We all need forgiveness and understanding. We all need to be loved. What if we really knew deep down, even though we are majorly flawed, that we are truly loved? That is a beautiful thing.

I have had the experience of this kind of love-- you know the love where you are accepted the way you are, despite any idiocy you may be showing at the time. The love where you don't have to worry about the person leaving you or judging you or demanding you satisfy conditions in order to receive their affection. Someone loving you just because you are you.

Well, this book talks about that, in story form: weaving a delightful, hopeful tale. Dig in.

A Curious Heart

The neat thing about this concept is that no matter what you think the stethoscope would reveal, the reality is that He is inside of you. I have had a knowing that God is in us, I think with some people he is hidden deep inside, kept there covered by bitterness and pain-- but He is there.

The key here, I think, is to allow ourselves to express and feel love; create an openness to what is being offered. Often we are driven by fear or insecurity, when all the while, if we are patient and and believe it, love is within our sphere of influence.

What if we could experience the Halleluia Chorus just for the asking; fill our lives with love by having faith, live fresh and joyously through gratitude?

The man's curiousity and willingness to see what is within is what I like the best about this short video.

Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.
e e cummings (1894 - 1962)

Fear of Transformation

I happened to find this writing buried in a box amongst my past bills, kid's poetry, tax information and various other peices of paper. I thought it was more than a coincidence that this particular exerpt fell in my lap. I share this with you knowing that each of us have had moments of hanging in uncomfortable spaces.

From The Essene Book of Days by Danaan Parry http://www.earthstewards.org/

"Sometimes I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I'm either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments in my life, I'm hurtling across space in between trapeze bars.

Most of the time, I spend my life hanging on for dear life to my trapeze-bar-of-the-moment. It carries me along a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I'm in control of my life. I know most of the right questions and even some of the right answers.

But once in a while, as I'm merrily (or not so merrily) swinging along, I look ahead of me into the distance, and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. It's empty, and I know, in that place that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness going to get me. In my heart-of-hearts I know that for me to grow, I must release my grip on the present, well known bar to move to the new one.

Each time it happens to me, I hope (no, I pray) that I won't have to grab the new one. But in my knowing place I know that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar, and for some moment in time hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new bar. Each time I am filled with terror. It doesn't matter that in all my previous hurtles across the void of unknowing, I have always made it. Each time I am afraid I will miss, that I will be crushed on the unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between the bars. But I do it anyway.

Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because somehow, to keep hanging onto that old bar is no longer on the list of alternatives. And so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of "the past is gone, the future is not yet here."

It's called transition. I have come to believe that it is the only place that real change occurs. I mean real change, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get punched.

I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a "no-thing", a no-place between places. Sure the old trapeze-bar was real, and that new one coming towards me, I hope that's real too. But the void in between? That's just a scary, confusing, disorienting "nowhere" that must be gotten through as fast as unconsciously as possible.

What a waste! I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing, and the bars are illusions we dream up to avoid, where the real change, the real growth occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out-of-control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives.

And so, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to "hang- out" in the transition between trapeze bars. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening, in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly."

So, I reach for the trapeze bar; take risks and bravely head into the void. Wanna join me?

Jesus Loves You

Pause for thought.

I don't have as much trouble conceptualizing some of the things in the video as our friend Greybloke here , but I do wonder about folks who feel it is necessary to categorize people into the "saved" or "not saved" category. It is my belief that God is a loving God and will make himself known to us through love. It is hard for me to base my faith on fear and condemnation. Grace and compassion are the qualities that have been my experience of God. Maybe I have it all wrong. But, if I do, I think I would chose my ignorance over the thought of a God of wrath and bitterness.

Soul Coaching

I am reading a book called Soul Coaching; 28 Days to Discover Your Authentic Self.

The inside cover:
Soul Coaching is a four-week program dedicated to an in-depth clearing and cleansing of the different aspects of your life: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. By following the practical, carefully crafted steps presented here, you will find that you're able to uncover your authentic self.

This book is for you if you want to know:

• who you are


• why you're here


• what your mission is

This book is also for you if your ready to start:

• putting your needs before everyone else'


• living life at a peaceful, moderate pace


• loving yourself

By utilizing the energy of the elements of nature--- Air, Water, Fire, and Earth---- this program allows you to clear away old blockages so that you can truly begin to hear the secret messages of your soul.

I have read the first section of the book and I am very impressed with the simple approach and the gentle coaching this woman gives. She gave an example of how she found herself always waiting for the next thing to get her to happiness; when I get away from an abusive home I will be happy, when I graduate from college I will be happy, when I get married I will be happy......

I am reminded that happiness is here for the taking. Now the question is how to recognize it and revel in it. I am not saying I am an extremely unhappy person but I often feel like true happiness is just around the bend- not fully actualized. So, I am hopeful that this book will continue to remind and nudge me to listening to my soul and feeling the contentment of what is being presented right now.

I invite those reading this to join me in this journey. In the book, Denise Linn suggests that people can share their experiences as they work through the book. If you are interested in joining me, I would welcome that. The book is reasonably priced at Amazon.com or you can get it at the library (I did). The link shows you an excerpt of the book as well.

If the offer to work through this together appeals to you, write to me or make a comment here and we will find a way to journey together. I am excited to take steps toward greater health and taking them with others is comforting to me.

Intolerance of Intolerance

As I get older I have begun to realize that those who judge are either inexperienced people expressing an idealistic viewpoint where everything fits neatly in boxes, circumstances go as planned and rules guide them in "the one right way". Other folks who judge, knowing better than to believe in this idyllic vantage, try to keep a lid on things -seeking a sense of control in a chaotic, mysterious world.

What is interesting that those who are judged are often normal, reputable and seemingly sane people who are experiencing upsets that are messy, unexplainable and sometimes unthinkable.

Some would argue that if these people were about right living and in relationship with the Lord, they would have been set straight. That maybe true. We all tend to stray away from things- spirituality, goals, and our true purpose. We meander and find that we lose our way and seek out the path again.

When we are on our true path of purpose and in connection with our source, I think we tend to do better, feel better and reap greater rewards. But, while we are off the path, I think we learn valuable lessons and learn how to have compassion for others. I believe the pains of our past help us to get in touch with our soul, and help us to see the soul of others.

I think for judgers, it is hard to look at the soul - it is a vulnerable place, it is a brutally honest place, it can be a scary place, and it is a place where we face our own fallibility. Standing naked. Kind of like experiencing a death of a close loved one. It is then that you realize that it could have been you that died, or it may even be you tomorrow. You find yourself facing your own mortality. That is a sweet place and ultimately a gift- but it is scary as shit.

So how do we experience the fallibility of others? When do we realize that we are fallible too? (I know that we all acknowledge we are fallible in theory- but when we judge others we are saying, "you got it all wrong, and I know what is best...., I am better off than you".

Even those who have somehow managed to avoid big mishaps like divorce, infidelity, children out of wedlock, speeding tickets and lying straight to some one's face may find that they are standing in judgement against others (to some, an even bigger sin).

I find that people who judge live in fear- living in fear that things will not go as intended, fear that God will reject them, fear that others will see through their carefully built glass house and notice the dirt there. We are all dirty folks!

So, what do we do with the fallen ones? Do we invite them to our table, welcome them in our lives, love them as we are called to do by Jesus? Jesus was quite explicit about love and acceptance. Can we follow him- or do we continue to throw stones?

So, how do we express our tolerance of people but not lower our standards; love folks yet express our opinion about right and wrong?

How can I love someone when I feel judged and unappreciated by them as I swim in my own fallibility? And most importantly, how can I judge the judgers and not face my own hypocrisy?

To Pray or Not to Pray

Went to a prayer breakfast this past Saturday at an African American church. I was the only white person there and I was welcome. The topic of the gathering was prayer- a message I was ready and needing to hear. I will share some learnings from this speaker in another post.

I have been warming up to the idea of praying regularly and on purpose. This does not mean that I don't pray- because I do. Those of you who really know me, know that I am on a spiritual journey and have quite a bit of faith. This faith has gotten me through some pretty rough times.

You see the concious decision to engage in prayer requires me to have some bravery and an openness to what I hear in response. I have a distinct feeling that God wants to use me for some purpose and if I listen, it will become clear. I don't say this because I am special or that I have some kind of gift- it has been a gut feeling for some time now. I also know that God uses the most unlikely candidates to carry messages, or carry out his wishes or to make a point.

This comes at a good time, I feel I have been wandering around aimlessly for what seems like eons now. Even though the timing is good, I still acknowledge that I have some fear of what is to come. What will God want of me? Will it be hard? I have been fine bumbling along. I have successfully kept my life busy- allowed the hustle and bustle around me to take center stage.

The noise associated with life has given me the opportunity to "tune out" many messages that I have been sent. God still gets through though. Even though I have done my best to distract myself, his presence is clear. This is an improvement from days gone by- a time when I seriously doubted his existance. I doubt no longer.

I have a knowing that if I am quiet enough, welcome him through prayer and listen, that something is gonna happen. There are times when I do have doubts though. My doubts center on my ability to be a vessel for God. I have been broken, lost, judged, and chastised. In many ways I have felt alone- trying to figure things out- and that is probably why I am tempted to open up and pray. Maybe, I don't need answers- maybe I need connection. Maybe, in my brokeness, I can provide some service to others. Maybe as others judge me or my circumstance, I can be an example of what not to do, or of how to recover from a fall. Maybe, I won't need that outside affirmation, if I have the internal strength and the knowledge that I am loved and accepted already.

So, I pray- for me, for you and for the bravery to do what I am called to do.