Sunday, March 8, 2009


So, I was a church today-- singing, praying, sharing the Catholic ways with the kids and all was fine until I get to the communion part. You know the part where we respond and say, "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed."

You see, when I speak the absolute truth, I begin to cry. It is a direct signal for me to pay attention to what I just said and try to understand the meaning. I cried after I said these words. I am crying now as I write them.

I know that God does not see me as unworthy. It is my admission that I don't feel worthy and I know that he will heal me- there is no question there. Now will open up to him and let him do his work in me?

I have been on this healing journey lately and He is most definitely with me. He has been with me the whole time and I have been aware of Him there.

In the past (and when I say past, I mean my whole life) I have been afraid to be silent enough to hear Him. I was worried that if I actually listened to Him, He may ask me to do something beyond my capabilities. I kept the noise level in my life just enough that I could avoid Him if I chose and most times I went that route.

What is weird is that I have been able to hear Him lately and it is not scary at all. At times the message comes in a way I did not expect but the message is one of acknowledgement and assurance. Who doesn't need assurance?

In many ways I walk in absolute faith. I really know that everything is going to be OK. Those who know me best can attest to this. But in other ways I don't always walk in trust-- it has been a missing piece for me. Taking the risk to not only receive God's grace but listen to his call. That is my next opportunity.

He is in the process of healing me.


Mars Girl said...

I have a problem with the Catholic/Christian suggestion that we humans are unworthy. I dont think any of us is truly unworthy. I hate the self-depricating side of Christianity... it's very sad... like humanity sucks or something... I think humanity is beautiful and that we are ALL worthy of God's love; we just need to tune into it, as you said.

It must be the UU in me... The universalist tradition stated that all humans are a beautiful act of creation and God loves us all. Even those we ourselves have placed human judgement upon. Universalists believed everyone was saved. I like to keep my beliefs on the optimistic side. I hate the whole concept of "sin." People do bad, horrible things. I dont know.

I'm just babbling. I'd be crying in church because I'd be offended by the words suggesting that I was something less than holy... I love Christianity without all the negative parts. In my version of events, there's no Garden of Eden. People just do bad things cuz they have free will. I'm not responsible for the sins of other people who lived and died before me. I'm only responsible for myself. And I think I'm worthy.

Tiff said...

I love your honesty, one of the things that always brings me back here. What a great way to put it, always walking in faith but not always in trust... a constant issue, or so it seems, for me as well.
I don't think you're quite done blogging yet, or maybe it's us that aren't ready for you to quit yet? hehe

Katy said...

How beautiful.. :) you brought tears to my eyes.

to Mars girl; I grew up Catholic and have never felt that my church says that I am not worthy. On the contrary it says when you feel bad or need comfort God is right there with you the entire time; you are beautiful. God loves us all, even when we don't love ourselves. My faith has always been optimistic even when I myself am not. I think sometimes things get 'mixed-up' in translation, us being human and all. :) Just wanted to say I'm right there with you and God is too. That particular prayer E. talks about is asking for healing and to realize God is with us, even when we ourselves feel broken (if you feel you need healing, maybe you don't and that's ok too).

Mars Girl said...

I was raised Catholic, too. ;) I have some problems (obviously) with it which is why I'm now a Unitarian Universalist. ;) Where I'm allowed to be completely unsure there is a god at all... I go back and forth on that one a lot and the UU community is very welcoming for that.

Erin said...

Tiff, that line when it came out of me was an ah-ha moment. I have always know I am a person of faith, but I could not figure out what was holding me back.

Your response to MarsGirl is almost word for word what I have been feeling. God finds me worthy, it is I that struggles with that. Even that is funny sometimes because I resonate with what MarsGirl is saying about feeling worthy within herself too.

But, when I am honest with myself, I realize that most times I feel that in this world I have a lot to offer and stand solid in that, but when it comes to God, I recognize His awesomeness(or on some level fear it) and I shrink away.

I suppose I am at the point where I realize I am broken. I have done the best that I can up to this point but I want to feel at peace with things. God is there offering me love and encouragement and I have not always felt that-- somehow it felt too distant.

I have let fear stand in my way. Just recently, I have been brave enough to listen.

Katy said...

Mars girl, :), I am glad you have found a faith where you feel welcome and at home.

Erin, :), the awesomeness sometimes makes me look away too, fool that I am. ;)