I have been thinking a lot about my words and actions-- how they tumble out of me and what relationship they have to one another. I have found, that in my most recent past (years) my words and actions have been out of alignment. This of course, suggests some kind of conflict within me.
This circumstance both intrigues me and stymies me for I know that my happiness is directly related to how I manage this alignment.
So how do you align words and actions? At the time I say the words they seem good or actually are good but the follow through is hard.
It seems like either toning down the words to reflect the real deal or summoning up the will power to follow my inner wisdom is necessary.
I am tired of the exhaustion that comes from the constant back and forth. I want rest. I want to feel fulfilled.
Even though it is small, I have felt great alignment with my Lenten promise of giving up sugar. It has been difficult to keep this promise-- but each time I do, I feel good and feel like I have been true to myself. This is just one example. Now, I need to keep other promises I have made to myself. This is where I pray for strength.
3 comments:
I thought you're supposed to have all your ducks in a row, not a circle. ;) Of course, I think my ducks are circling too.
I think it's natural to want to commit to things early, when you have the energy of newness, and then lose focus and energy later in the task. I try to cope with this by admitting to myself and others that I want or hope to do something, or I'm working on it, but acknowledge that there's a path that must be taken to get it done, and we're all human. It helps to focus on allowing the action to speak for itself.
When I used to play the piano, I used to get excited about learning new songs. It was a lot of fun hearing new sounds and forging through uncharted territory. It was also frustrating learning something difficult as I would stumble through the songs painstakingly slow.
After a while, the newness wore off but the difficulty remained. And then even worse I would start hating the songs because I was playing then over and over and over and over and it would just make me want to scream to play them one more time.
Then once I hit that low point, a strange thing can sometimes happen: I would start liking the song! Every time I played it, I got just a little bit better, and it became thrilling. Every new performance of the song became richer. For some songs, I never got tired of them. WIth these songs, you never "master" them because you are in a space to always draw from them and be rewarded by them. You are in a living relationship with the song--you don't "use it up" and move on to the next.
So there is value in just sticking with it. If you have the right focus and discipline, you can turn the corner and start this upwards climb that never ends. But if you keep bailing out at that early-intermediate section when things got tough and boring, you will never experience the richness of hanging in there and seeing it all turn around.
It does require focus and effort, though. You can stay at that low point if you never progressively move forward in learning a song and then disappointment will not have anything to counter balance it. You do have to hang in there for a while to build momentum.
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